This post is not so much focused on riding as it is a personal reflection, something that i am sure many people find themselves doing at this time of year.
As I have increased my cycling activity i have sought out additional challenges which go with it but unfortunately the battle with myself consistently holds me back. See the thing is i suffer from depression. I have dealt with this on and off for some time now and i guess in one way have just learnt to live with the highs and the lows but it is a load that is difficult to carry. It essentially stems from the fact that i have never been a confident person in my own right. I am shy and reserved. I have always kept people at arms length and have only really committed myself 100% to my wife and kids.My friends dont really "know" me nor have i encouraged them to find out. I find it difficult meeting new people and dealing with new social situations and take the smallest things to heart.
With cycling it is essentially an individual sport and a lot of people are happy with that, i am happy with that, most of the time, but i also like to push myself physically and mentally, cycling allows me to do both. The trouble is with the issues that i carry around trying to take the step of joining a club, a group or just a social ride with people i dont know is a challenge. What if i make a fool of myself? what if i cant keep up? what if they dont like me? what if i fail? so typically i will just give up on it and go for a ride by myself and wallow. This has meant i have missed out on some fantastic opportunities being the inaugural "Dirty Dozen" ride in Adelaide, countless group rides as part of the Adelaide Cyclists community and it is delaying me joining a Cycling Australia Club. I have had offers from different people to come out an join them to race etc but have found excuses not to attend which i can usually rationalize with myself. The trouble is that it leaves me in a black hole for a period of time after and that takes a lot of energy to dig myself out of. I am slowly getting on top of this and i am now at a stage where it is 2 steps forward and 1 step back, not the reverse as it has been the last 18months or so.
I want more than anything to experience all that this sport has to offer but it will take me time, perseverance and some more blood, sweat and tears to get there....i am lucky to have the help and support of my wife and kids but it is such a burden on them. As a man it is difficult to discuss these things and there is unfortunately a stigma attached to depression and mental illness as a whole but even more so with the male population. I am yet to discuss this in any great detail with a professional yet so it is not fair of me to tall anyone else to do so who find them in a similar situation. All i can say is talk to SOMEONE, a friend, a colleague, your partner. Internalizing is not the best remedy.
I know this post seems like a bit of a jumble, a nonsensical rambling and somewhat self indulgent but i needed to get a few things out of my head, hopefully soon i will be back to discussing the trials and tribulations of CYCLING, not just about me.
As a side note i have decided on a club to join which is Port Adelaide Cycling Club (PACC) at time when i can hopefully have a go at it.
